Choose to be happy
2 Nephi 2:25 - …men are that they might have joy.
I have to admit that I had forgotten that; and for a time I fell into a life of fear, rather than faith.
I grew up in an LDS community, and have been a member all my life. I was raised by a single parent, and at the time, I felt like I was the only one in a family situation like that. It wasn’t common where we lived, but I really wasn’t the only one, it just felt that way. I felt alone, different, and singled out. My mother generally worked 2 jobs and therefore wasn’t able to provide the mental nourishment my fragile yet growing mind needed. I withdrew, kept my worries and fears silent, and ultimately developed a negative attitude towards life. Then as an adult myself; add to that the worries and fears brought on by being married to a soldier, dangerous work and long deployments. Then top it all off with the worries and fears brought on having 2 children with juvenile diabetes, a chronic disease that is on your mind 24/7.
True to my childhood I kept everything inside, never asked for help, I felt I was fine, after all I had always done it this way. To say the least it all got the best of me and my rock bottom was the day I was taken to the ER in an ambulance for a panic attack. At the time I didn’t even know what a panic attack was. My husband was in month 12 of a 15 month deployment, and I felt I had failed. I had to look at my life and realize that despite being married to a wonderful man and having 4 awesome daughters I still suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. It has been a long journey, but I hope my path can help others.
D & C 6:36 – Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not
Upon first being diagnosed I was told by my doctor that he sees this kind of thing a lot. He basically sent me home with a prescription and told me to read up on the subject. That was it, my world as I knew it was over (or so I thought) and I was sent home to ‘suffer alone’. I had no other plan so I did as was told. I also made sure I was reading my scriptures and daily prayed for a better way.
There is a vicious cycle with having these 3 issues. The anxiety gives you no desire to change things; and leaves you in fear of everything, including that you will have another panic attack just from thinking about change. With the depression you have no hope that things can get better, even if you do make changes. The books I started but never got past the first chapter in didn’t help. I felt I was being told that I would be this way forever and that there was no hope. I do feel there are better books out there today, but at the time I had gotten mine from the library and they were most likely outdated. I have heard of people ‘walking on eggshells’ around others trying to avoid a confrontation. Try walking on eggshells to avoid your own self. Trying to make sure your own thoughts and feelings don’t do you in. I just learned to be cautious and avoided new situations as much as possible. However deep inside I knew this wasn’t right, I knew that I was here for a purpose and by sitting idly by letting this get the better of me I was not fulfilling my purpose.
Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for I the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
I really cannot tell you how it happened but one day, by the grace of God, I made a startling connection. My negative thoughts had a direct effect on the physical breakdown of my body. My negative and sad ways although hidden from the world caused my heart to race, caused me to feel like I couldn’t breathe. The ton of bricks sitting on my chest was there because of thoughts in my head. My own thoughts left me feeling like there was no hope. I realized that I, myself, was causing my own pain and suffering. Change my thoughts, change my life…I had heard that before, but this time it was personal. After some research I went out in search of books that would help me think in a positive way. I found several about thinking better and also not letting things worry me. That life was too short to worry about some things that are just not important enough. I read them as much as I could in all my spare time, and with each one my hope grew just a little. Months later I had built faith that I could begin to live life to the fullest. Although it has taken years to rid my mind of the doubts, they are slowly disappearing. It has been a journey, but one that has been very worth taking.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
I began writing a ‘to do’ list, of things I needed to get better. At the top of my list was to read my scriptures and say my prayers everyday without fail. I also started to replace negatives with positives; I did this by memorizing scriptures, the Articles of Faith, and positive quotes. I had a stack of 3x5 cards I had written things I wanted to memorize on and carried them with me everywhere. When I had a spare moment I’d start memorizing. Or if I felt the anxiety rising I’d pull them out and read through them. I needed to eat healthier every day; I began 30 minutes of exercise, and tried to get plenty of rest. I stopped watching the news and even went so far as to distance myself from negative situations or people. I also had to keep myself busy, rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Searching out others in need helped; volunteer work provided a perfect distraction. Then I began to hunt down things that made me happy. I knew my family made me happy so we started doing more family nights, movies, games, sports. I also tried new crafts, and new hobbies, it took several attempts until I found one that I truly enjoyed. It helped immensely that what I found I was good at, could be used by others in their joyous celebrations. Although it didn’t happen overnight, things did start to improve.
I also learned that while I thought my life was bad, I knew it wasn’t the worst out there. Everyone out there has a ‘my life is horrible because’ story. But the healthy minds learn to deal with it and move on, and as for the unhealthy minds like mine, we just needed someone to teach us that things can be different, if we choose to think different.
When I felt I was gaining control of my life back I went off my happy meds, under the supervision of my doctor. I’m happy to report that I have maintained a happier life for several years now; despite the ups and downs life still hands me. I can face my fears and my worries without them getting me down. Many times I can brush them aside and not give them a second thought.
Heavenly Father, and his son, Jesus Christ, are our own personal fan club members. Nothing brings them greater joy than seeing us fight our battles and come out on top. Of course we don’t do it alone, they are both there right beside us. Stepping in and taking over when we have reached our limit. I’m grateful that I was guided to find a way back to the lighter side of things, that my breaking limit is greater than it was previously.
Moses 1:39 – For behold, this is my work and my glory – to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.
It is my wish, to help others find their way; back to light, hope, and love.
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